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Wednesday, September 1st, 2010
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Wow, so my first first-day-of-school post from the other side of studentdom. I have to say, it feels pretty excellent.
And terrifying.
I think I've made this point before, but it bears repeating. For almost the last ten years of my life, I've worked and dreamed of coming to this point--being a college professor, working in an exciting city, having someone to share it with. And basically, for all intents and purposes, all my dreams come true tomorrow morning. That is, of course, the most wonderful thing that could happen. But (this being me, after all) a persistent sense of dread hanging over me, as if somehow I will wake up and it will all be gone, or that I'll suddenly realize that it's not what I want after all, or whatever.
Bleh, I need to go to sleep. I honestly think a huge part of how rough the last month has been is that I just don't talk to anybody (besides Rachel) at all. I think I get in trouble if I don't have friendly social interactions pretty regularly. So school will probably help a lot in that regard. I wouldn't mind a paycheck either, btw.
More tomorrow.
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Saturday, August 14th, 2010
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So, school stuff has started again. I had to attend a HR orientation to talk about health insurance coverage and retirement and stuff like that. Even though the options are all good, stuff like that stresses me out. I know Rachel feels badly about being on my coverage--she's so independent-minded that it frustrates her to feel like a burden. Meanwhile I have no shame and happily am a leech on her in 8 million ways. But, at the same time, helping out is sort of what this whole deal is about.
I have to say, I'm pretty into this being a grown-up stuff. Its really nice to walk onto campus and feel like its really my place, that I'm a fully valued person there, etc. It's also nice to be able to plan to get things that we need without having to worry about going over budget because we don't have summer funding or can't get a travel grant or whatever. Unfortunately I won't get a paycheck until September 20 (!!!) and Rachel isn't going to get paid until OCTOBER (gah!). So we'll be living like grad students for another 6 weeks or so, I guess.
So far I'm pretty into the neighborhood, but yesterday I had a terrible experience at the grocery store which is about a block from our building, so now I'm temporarily soured on that. I think sometimes I'll feel like I wish we lived a little closer to things (like, in range of the subway rather than commuter rail) but I also kind of like that we're in a quiet little corner of the city. Also, its nice to have effective mass transit at all--there aren't that many cities in the country that have it, so I can't get too spoiled. Yesterday Ra Ra Riot and Murder by Death played a free show at noon, but I had to miss it because of HR orientation, but it was streamed on Penn's college radio station--one of the many really good independent/non-commercial radio and tv broadcasters in the area. We get something like 8 Public tv stations just with an antenna. In other important news, I need to find out where to get good pizza, doughnuts, beer and coffee in the neighborhood. I think I got local bar and farmers' market down. Cheese and chocolate are also locked. Unfortunately there isn't a movie theatre in walking distance, and I'm not sure if there's pickup soccer anywhere except on campus maybe?
Serious issues. Next on the Sweet life of Mike and Rachel.
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| Time: | 10:15 am. |
| Mood: | solid. |
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Also.
I think I'm going to bring my livejournal back. I kind of like that nobody uses it anymore, and I like the continuity of having all my old (cringeworthy) entries in the archive. Plus, I honestly think that the daily practice of writing in a livejournal helped me enormously in developing a writing style.
I also think I'm going to start an academic blog, but this will be my personal one.
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So, as I was saying...
I came out on top.
Six years ago I moved from Beaver County, PA to Syracuse, NY to start a PhD in English. It was not an easy thing to do, even though I was entirely committed to the idea of grad school. I spent the last few weeks dreading the move--I was leaving behind lifelong friends and exciting new people, my family, a city I was falling ever more in love with, a humble but totally thrilling place in a vibrant arts/music/politics scene, and the comfort of the familiar (which is easily in my list of top five comforts, ahead of "creature" and behind "food"). And by the beginning of 2004, I had started to get my feet again, and feel like a whole person. So the prospect of leaving that, and having a repeat of my first few years at Miami...that was terrifying.
Six years later I am writing this from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, my new home (at least for the time being.) Once again I left behind good friends and colleagues, a charming city, a humble yet fulfilling place in a functioning university/community, and the comfort of the familiar. But the events of the past six months have made this change a bit different. In the midst of an incredibly frustrating and harrowing job search season for the both of us, Rachel--my best friend, longtime partner and my go-to companion for editing advice, bad tv watching, pointless fights and dumb jokes--and I got married on March 6. After a series of delays, I was offered a tenure track position by the last possible job I was in contention for, a job that just felt right to me the moment I saw the ad, when I met with the department and saw campus... and it just so happened to be in Philly, which was near the top of my list of ideal cities to find academic work in. On June 28th I defended my dissertation, passing with distinction to become Mike (Ph)D. I'm writing this with Rachel asleep at my side, and with my dream job (professor of english and media studies) waiting for me in a month. So I guess that means I made the right decision all those years ago.
My dissertation is about nostalgia, and I guess that makes sense--I'm easily the most nostalgic person I know, and I've been that way for as long as I could remember. I guess that's why I find this situation to be so novel and fascinating. For once, the future seems even more appealing than the past.
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I will write something substantive later, but in summary of the past ten months I can say:
I came out on top.
Happiness.
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Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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Presuming LiveJournal somehow remains a presence on the web and the archives aren't lost, I imagine someone (me, perhaps, or somebody else with way too much time on their hands) will come to this stretch of time in 2009 and think, "Wow, mnemesis really dropped off the face of the earth here. I wonder if he got his hands caught in some farm equipment or sunk into a crippling depression."
Well, dear reader(s) from the future who is probably-though-not-certainly me, neither of those are the case. I'm just frantically trying to finish my dissertation and find a job. The complete uncertainty over where I will be or what I will be doing in six months is not at all fun, so I spend most of my days trying to assemble various documents to impress all the faceless hiring committees that exist in my head. Who knows what they want or how they'll think of me. I only know that the time between applications and interviews (October to December, essentially) must be the most frantic time I've had as a graduate student. I hope, for the sake of future self-enamored me reading this, and current ball-of-anxiety me writing this, that this will be well worth it later.
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Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
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and i fear i've wasted it. chapter 4 is drafted, but it's a mess. currently i'm trying to revise chapter 2 into an article to submit to Cinema Journal...that is not going so well.
agh.
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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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This chapter is going to kill me.
PS I need to find a real job in 6 months. D:
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So. I didn't get the fellowship, my Japan trip was canceled by the Japanese government, my laptop case cracked in half (fortunately I had just backed everything up) and things are coming a little slow with my 4th chapter. So much for the lucky streak! I was getting pretty frustrated with the world in the earlier part of the month but I've decided that I don't have any more time for that. I listened to a bunch of Nas and convinced myself that I'm the best alive and nobody can stop me. That might be overselling it a bit, but I think it takes a ton of deluded self-confidence to do something like a dissertation. So I'm riding with it.
I'm going to be in pgh from June 8-13. I'd like to see people. I might bring my bike, I haven't decided yet.
I also have a giant road trip with Rachel coming up at the end of June. We're going from Syracuse->Columbus->St Louis->Oklahoma (for Rachel's family reunion), then back through St Louis->Ann Arbor-> Niagra Falls->Syracuse. Expect a lot of pictures (I got a new camera for my Japan trip, so I need to get some use of it).
Alright, back to work.
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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
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Today I booked my ticket & hotel for Tokyo! May 19-26--look out japan!
Miraculously the department found some funding for me, so I not only have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to Japan for a week without having to sell a kidney or anything. I am pretty happy that I've a good enough rep with the faculty here that they'd pull strings for me--they really went above and beyond the call of duty on this one. Also, not only is this a ridiculous personal opportunity, it's a great PROFESSIONAL opportunity too--there's going to be all sorts of fancy film scholars there, and they won't know anyone in town either. I'm going to try to drink a beer with Barbara Klinger or something. Plus! I get to hang out with Liza for the first time since ye olde 2004, my first year in Syracuse. Wowww.
In other news, my advisor has approved 2 chapters of my dissertation. He said they were "terrific," which is pretty big news since I've never ever received a direct compliment from him EVER. He wants me to submit one or both chapters for publication in fancy journals. Also he wants another fancy film person that he knows at Pitt to be one of my dissertation readers.
Finally, I gave that big hour-long lecture that I was stressing about for weeks, and it seemed to be a pretty big hit. I got a lot of good questions and people seemed to enjoy the talk. I felt good giving it, even though the argument was VERY rough and not nearly where it needs to be.
I'm applying for a fellowship so I won't have to teach next year while job hunting. That'd be a huge relief.
Also my intramural soccer team is still alive. I've been playing keeper since my tendinitis doesn't let me do much running. Last game was the playoff round of 16, and we wound up going to penalties. I stopped three and converted the winning penalty to carry us to the next round.
Everything's coming up Milhouse!
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Sunday, February 15th, 2009
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Hey everyone. I'm still here.
A few weeks back I was out for drinks with some TF people at Faegan's. We started talking about work, our departments, new students & colleagues etc, and a friend of mine (a professor in Womens' Studies) told me "You know Mike, at some point a grad student gets to the point where they are ready to stop being a student. A switch goes off and you can see it in them--they're just ready to be done. You've got the look."
I hadn't thought about it that way until then, but it immediately struck me as true. I have never ever thought being a grad student was unbearable. I've always thought it was challenging, difficult, and sometimes frustrating, but always undoubtedly felt that I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. But lately I've been feeling ready to move on--not from the department or the city so much (though those, too) but definitely from the position. I've been frustrated with people that aren't willing to devote themselves fully with their work. I find myself identifying more with professors than with younger grads. I spend all Saturday in the library and it doesn't feel like a sacrifice, it feels like the work I want to do. I think about upper division courses I could teach. And the whole poverty gig is definitely getting old.
The issue, of course, is that there is still the matter of ye olde dissertation, which is oftener and oftener seeming like a task that is simply beyond my faculties. I sweat and bleed out chapters to turn them in, and when I get them back I'm horrified not only at the crushing critiques Dr. Advisor hands back, but at their absolute validity, and my own sloppy thinking (and writing, which was once my strong point!). I essentially have 6 months to finish my dissertation, and I'm not even halfway done yet. Blergh.
Additionally, there's the whole matter of actually getting a job, which has been thrown into even greater question by the disastrous financial policies of the last, oh, 20 years or so. These have, of course (as far as I can tell, as I am not an economist) allowed a cadre of people to get unimaginably wealthy while exploiting poor people, then turn around and get those same poor people not only to foot the bill for their untenable investment practices, but also to take the blame for the structural catastrophe that was blindly engineered.
If I sound a little grumpier than usual, and less fun, I generally think that's because I am. I was extremely fortunate when I came here to immediately land in an excellent social circle, but almost all of that is gone now. I honestly don't know what I'd do if Rachel weren't around. Additionally, because of an unexpected case of knee tendinitis I'm unable to continue the running routine I had successfully started last year. This is, I think, bad for both my physical and emotional fitness. That's frustrating. And frustration is no doubt part of the process--frustration is fine, as long as you keep going.
The good news is that (for now, at least) I'm still doing what I want to do. My students are a lot of fun, and with every year I feel myself becoming a better teacher. And when we bring job candidates, I no longer look at them in awe--most of the time, actually, I think I could easily do better. And I am generally interested in the stuff I'm working on, and interested in continuing to write and think and teach, etc.
You know, the other day I was listening to a podcast on ESPN about basketball. They mentioned Kobe Bryant (whom I generally despise) taking his family to Disney World for a weeklong vacation. Every day during his vacation, Bryant would get up at 4, get to the Orlando Magic's practice facility at 5:30, and do a 2 hour workout. An hour of fitness and an hour of shooting drills, working on a turnaround fallaway jumper that he hasn't had before this year. Then he'd come back to the hotel at 7:30, wake his family up at 8, and head off to the park during the day. Remember, this is easily one of the top 5 players in the game right now, and probably in the top 2. And yet, here he is, ON VACATION, at 5:30 am working on a new shot to add to his game. The reason I think of that now is this: in order to be a successful pro...either in athletics or academics...it has to be your life. It takes talent to get there, but it has to be your life to make it. That doesn't mean all day, but it does mean every day. And that's what I'm constantly reminded of when I look at the statistics that say 50% of grads never make it to their PhD, and only 30% of the ones that actually make it get a tenure track job, and some smaller percentage of those finally get tenure. If it isn't everything for me, I'm not going to make it anywhere. So I guess that's why I haven't been updating the ol' LJ that often. And I guess that's why I'm headed to the library again on a Sunday.
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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008
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Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
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I just had the following conversation:
*sounds coming from the other room*
Me: Hey Rachel, whatcha doing?
Rachel: Watching TV!
Me: (noticing the tv is off) You mean online?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Me: Well, what is it?
Rachel: The pilot episode of Murder, She Wrote!
Me: GHASHAHGHHAHHHHAHAH
a minute later...
Rachel: Hey, I have the same bicycle as Jessica Fletcher!
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Saturday, November 29th, 2008
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Over the summer, against my better judgment, I sent a proposal off to the Society of Cinema & Media Studies to be included in their 2009 conference, on a panel about Cinema & Time Travel. SCMS (cmstudies.org) is the central organization for the academic study of film & visual culture in the world. It's generally accepted that if you are looking for an academic job in film studies (as I am) you need to give a paper to SCMS.
Why do I say "against my better judgment" if it is, in fact, one of the more important things for a film scholar to do? Well, in an effort to be international and fancy and cutting edge, SCMS will be held in Tokyo, Japan this May. As in "it takes at least $1200 to fly there" Tokyo.
And wouldn't you know it, I fucking got in.
In the meantime, our economy has collapsed, I got the immense pleasure of finding out that one of my student loans has come back into repayment, and I can pretty much guarantee not getting summer funding from the department this year.
So I am put in the position of either having to irresponsibly rack up $2000 in debt that I can in no way afford, or pulling out of the conference altogether, or jamming the panel organizer who picked my sorry ass in the first place by pulling out of the conference.
So I don't know what to do. Even if I did something like get an extra job or something to pay for the trip, I'd be wasting time that I need to spend on writing a dissertation and getting a real job. And if I don't go, I'm wasting an opportunity to go to Tokyo on a partially subsidized trip, as well as a pretty hefty professional opportunity. It'd be so much easier if I was like most of the people here (or in the profession in general) and came from money. It's like the interview at the Princeton Club when I was 17 all over again--knowing that the kids around me were no better or smarter than me, but knowing they had access to a different world than I did.
Grumble grumble grumble whine whine. Lame.
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Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
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This is the best illustration I can imagine of the process of writing a dissertation. You have an idea of what you're trying to do, you can't quite get there, and even when you make it work, it's not quite what it's supposed to be.
I feel you, Don Music. I feel you.
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Monday, September 22nd, 2008
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I don't feel like writing a big update now, but here are some pictures I've taken over the last few weeks. I think I need to get back into taking pictures again, if for no other reason than to have something I can enjoy getting better at.
more after ( the jump )
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Monday, August 25th, 2008
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This might be the strangest 'twas the night before the first day of school' post in quite some time, as I never really felt like summer truly arrived. From the TA Resource Page (http://teachingets.googlepages.com) to my nightmare ETS 145 to TF Orientation, this has been the summer that never quite felt like summer. All of this, of course, is to ignore the dissertation work that hung over--hangs over--me.
Still, it's had its moments, and though I can't really say that fall will be more stressful, summer in syracuse is not without its merits (read: no undergrads in town!). And having my run of the gym at any time has been nice over the last couple months.
Strangely, this year will likely be the smoothest transition for me in quite some time, as I'm not losing any close friends--the people that have left are nice enough, but I never really bonded with them. It won't be like losing Jon, Kevin, Nate, or Brigitte-- at least not for me. So, at the very least, I won't be missing people more than I did last year. And Rachel and I are getting better at doing new things in town, which has been pretty fun. This year we got season tickets to the Syracuse Stage, for example, and I'm looking forward to getting back in the habit of seeing theatre regularly.
Teaching this year should be smooth sailing, as I have all the materials down that I need to, so things pretty much run themselves. I've begun to get students taking multiple courses with me, which is flattering in addition to making life a LOT easier (when you have a handful of students that ALREADY trust you, it makes convincing the rest of them loads simpler). Though my summer teaching experience was less than stellar, I'm going to maintain hope in the power of the fall semester's structure.
I have done a pretty good job in the last 6 months or so in taking control of my body in new ways--running distances, lifting, yoga, etc. And to be able to see changes occur that you know are due to your own decisions and commitment is a pretty powerful thing. So I'd like to continue that, both in the physical sense (running, playing soccer, lifting, etc) but also in general (getting to know my city better, riding my bike more, trying to make closer friends).
My dissertation has stalled a touch, but I'm not overly concerned yet. I think I just need some time to work through my ideas and then I need to force myself to start writing. It's looking promising that I'll be able to take some of my work to the SCMS Conference in Tokyo, which is both terrifying (because of the cost & distance) and really exhilarating (because hey, partially subsidized adventure!). And I've been asked to give a lecture in the department's Colloquia series, so that's cool too. Now, if I could only finish this and get a real job, right?
I guess it's fairly apparent I haven't been writing so regularly...this prose is pretty lousy. Hopefully this fall will get me back into fighting shape. 2 chapters by December...a successful class...10k in 50 minutes, 5k in 25...host some social events...get into the city more...playoff soccer victory...trip to tokyo. Ready, set, go.
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Saturday, July 26th, 2008
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July has been fairly worthless, as I spend every day dreading my teaching assignment. This is probably the first time since I've started teaching that I have not enjoyed my job on a daily basis--and that's kind of a bummer, because enjoying what I do is pretty much the only good thing about the whole academia gig. There's no money in it, advancement is a pain in the ass, and demand for people to spend time thinking extensively about the politics of movies, music and television (and the internet, even) isn't exactly high. Which isn't to say that I'd rather be working in a factory or in a cubicle somewhere--I get it that I am extremely fortunate--it's only to say that as a 'profession,' academia is fairly terrible place to be. The saving grace (for me) has always been that as a 'job,' it's tremendously rewarding. But not this term, for whatever reason.
I won't go into specific details about my students as you never do know who is reading what you write, but suffice it to say that I have had good experiences teaching advanced students, and students that need remedial help. But what I have never had any patience for is students who aren't excited about the prospect of getting smarter--students who are there only because they're 'supposed to'. I usually love throwing myself into the energy of a classroom--but this classroom has very little energy. And I, in turn, find myself feeling lethargic about teaching in it.
I'm sure an even bigger part of that is the fact that every moment of every day, I know I should be working on my dissertation, and it's just not happening. I can't concentrate on anything but teaching before I teach. After I teach I'm too dispirited and wiped out to do anything but run/lift, make dinner, and then it's 10PM and the day's over and need to start all over again.
Additionally, I lost my flash drive somehow, and I'm not sure exactly what I lost--I'm fairly certain most of what was there exists in other places, but I'm not entirely sure. I don't think there's anything really crucial on there, but still--to know that you've messed up something for yourself, with no good reason at all, is pretty frustrating.
On the good side--two days ago I finished my longest-ever run (7 miles), which pushed me over 500 miles since January 2007. And I've done a pretty good job at lifting regularly, too--which is something I never thought I'd really get into. Add in using my bike every day, and I've been feeling great. I'm not a Richard Simmons success story or anything, but it is pretty cool to see how much can happen in 5 months:
( self-back-patting )
Also, even though I haven't been doing a ton of work lately, my advisor said that my first chapter was "mostly good", and I don't have to start over completely. We've gone out a few days and worked on some local farms as a part of our CSA, and I've done some pretty decent writing that will go into the next issue of Disclosure. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get to be part of a new pgh-based writing project, if I can get myself together here.
You know, the other day when I was talking to my students about how the language we use reveals something about our culture (When I refer to Rachel I always say "partner" instead of "girlfriend"--both because "partner" is not gender-assumptive and because "girlfriend" sounds so junior high school. What I would really like to say is "lover"--one that I love--but "lover" is creepy and, in reality, means "fucker"--one that I fuck--but "fucker" means "person I hate". I guess I could use "beloved" but I don't like things that sound British.) Anyway, after I finished that little riff, one of my students (one of the few that's intellectually curious to any degree at all) raised his hand and said "so, do you just think of stuff like this all the time?". And I said "Well, actually, yes--and it's one of the things I really like about myself." And my students all laughed, partially because I was being silly--but I was also being completely serious. They don't understand it yet, and maybe some of them never will--but one of the best things about "growing up" is that you sort of learn to genuinely like yourself. I'm not exactly sure when it happened--if it was when I finally embraced Miami (and the people around me), or if it was when I finally became a part of a real community (with pittpunk and roboto), if it was just the accumulation of 10 years of loyal friendship straight outta Beaver County, or whether it was coming to Syracuse and realizing that I really could do something worthwhile with my life, or if it was about Rachel and everything we've built together. Regardless, I realized in that moment that it was shocking to me that my students would laugh at me saying "actually, that's something I really like about myself"...because not genuinely liking myself is what seems foreign to me now. And that, friends, is pretty awesome.
Fuck, I need to work on this dissertation!
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So, I just had a new and interesting internet experience. I was "salmoned"
-- apparently, some internet hooligans have set up a program that attempts to connect people that have recently used popular sites (livejournal, xanga, deviantart, etc). Basically, it connects those people via AIM, but through a third party, and makes each person think the other was the first to IM them.
Here was my conversation:
CriminalSalmon (12:21:34 AM): Zerg, Protoss, or Terran?
mnemesis (12:23:11 AM): ?
CriminalSalmon (12:23:52 AM): Prot
CriminalSalmon (12:23:54 AM): Who's this?
mnemesis (12:24:00 AM): who's this?
mnemesis (12:24:13 AM): according to google, you're talking about some video game that i've never played
mnemesis (12:24:17 AM): so i think you have the wrong person
CriminalSalmon (12:24:26 AM): ...
CriminalSalmon (12:24:29 AM): What?
CriminalSalmon (12:24:36 AM): You just IMed me.
CriminalSalmon (12:24:50 AM): ColonialSalmon (12:23:33 AM): Zerg, Protoss, or Terran?
THE Fin Samar (12:23:42 AM): Prot
mnemesis (12:24:58 AM): no, you just im'ed me:
CriminalSalmon (12:21:34 AM): Zerg, Protoss, or Terran?
CriminalSalmon (12:25:25 AM): Um.
CriminalSalmon (12:25:30 AM): -_- No.
mnemesis (12:26:21 AM): well, yes. but it doesn't matter because neither of us needs to continue this, so enjoy your night.
But something about the third SN in there made me confused, so after a little bit of googling, I found this:
http://mazykazerooni.com/post/34483102/being-salmoned
There’s an interesting phenomena I’ve been witnessing recently. It’s been dubbed Salmoning. Someone out there in the great big internet has created a very interesting AIM bot. It has various names, all ending in Salmon. What it does is, finds someone who just updated their livejournal who happens to have their AIM name listed on their profile. It grabs their username, and grabs another username from their database who is online at the time. It messages the first user and starts a conversation. When they reply, the Salmon bot relays the message to the other person, acting as a sort of middleman.
It’s nice to have a way for people to randomly bump into each other. Who knows, people could be making new friends.
There's more information on salmoning here: http://community.livejournal.com/themissinghat/profile
It's an interesting/fun idea that is in the spirit of the internet I remember in the late-90s internet, that was full of people randomly bumping into one another online, before all this "To Catch a Predator" scaremongering. And it's a pretty cool idea--unfortunately people don't understand what's happening to them until after it's already happened (if at all!). So watch out next time, folks. You could be the next one salmoned!
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Rachel has been in Nevada for the last 10 days or so.
In an effort to combat the attendant boredom, loneliness, and self-loathing, I've been trying to do some stuff:
- I went to Oneonta to see the Soccer Hall of Fame (www.soccerhall.org -- this was awesome)
- Had an "Earth Crisis" milkshake at the new vegan cafe / coffee place, Strong Hearts (www.strongheartscafe.com)
- Won at trivia night at Korova in Ithaca. ($50!)
- Rode my bike around Syracuse (mostly to get milkshakes)
- Started teaching again (blech, not feelin' it)
- cooked a bunch of stuff from my farmshare (a curry/stirfry, some bread, strawberry pancakes, garlic scape pesto, strawberry muffins)
- Got in a testy email fight with a professor (burnin' bridges!)
- Tried to assemble a definitive weezer mixtape (a triumphant failure)
- In the process, finally realized that Pinkerton was essentially the plot to Madame Butterfly. (a-ha!)
- Finally tried the reputed 'best pizza in syracuse,' at Twin Trees. Crust was fine, cheese was good. Sauce was totally AWFUL. ruined the entire pizza. (typical.)
- Played soccer with a bunch of mexicans and koreans on the 4th (que patriota!)
- wished i would have planned a pgh trip (doh)
- watched a few movies, mostly played MLB 07: The Show (waste of life)
- rearranged the house a little (this was okay)
- kept wanting to go rent Wayne's World, but never did (denied!)
- became fascinated with the syracuse craigslist 'missed connections' listings (i don't know what's sadder--posting one, or reading them compulsively).
- Spent my entire paycheck paying bills, still have bills to pay. (my life.)
You'll notice, perhaps, that "worked on dissertation" is not on that list. I think I'm coming to realize that, in my meager life experience, a dissertation is probably one of the easiest things NOT to do--because even when you do sit down, and force yourself to work on it, at least 90% of the time nothing really comes of it. And even when you do put some things together, and get something that you think is good, when you finally get feedback on it, you realize it's totally garbage. So aside from it being really hard, not all that rewarding, excruciatingly slow, and entirely isolating--you have to fight every day not to get paralyzingly frustrated. You have to be like a NFL cornerback--you have to forget every bad play the moment after it happens. It actually takes a ridiculous amount of self-confidence, in a weird way. When I was watching the NBA finals, Ray Allen said something about his recent streak of awful shooting: "I wasn't missing shots, they just weren't going in." I think that's the kind of mindset you need to finish a dissertation, if that makes sense.
Not having Rachel around these last few days has been pretty terrible. It's not that I can't live without her, wah wah wah, it's just that my life is so much better when she's around. She's really the only friend I see/talk to regularly anymore, which has definitely made it harder. And yeah, it's nice to basically do whatever I want every day with nobody to tell you otherwise, but man, it's so much better to have someone to share your day with, you know? Somebody good, anyway. I mean, I haven't been crying my eyes out listening to The Mountain Goats or anything...but I can't say it's been all that fun around here, either.
I guess tomorrow I'll try to clean up a little, maybe pick at Chapter 2 a little bit, then...count the hours? I dunno.
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mnemesis's journal
apprehensive.
looking up..
eye of the tiger.
LOL.
headachey.
ready.